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Let's never do that again

everything is great
Yesterday was FIRED.

So on Friday, I accidentally missed my dose of my anti-anxiety meds. I didn't realize this 'til I was having srs insomnia and some shaking in the middle of the night. Also I was getting up constantly because of some unrelated GI distress, which continued on into Saturday. The lack of sleep gave me a migraine Saturday morning, and the symptoms of missing the meds, for me, include shivers and "brain zaps."  Have you ever heard of brain zaps? They are... pretty much what they sound like. They don't *hurt*, but boy are they unpleasant. It's like, well, something going "zap" in your brain. Like a little electric shock, like something shorting across your brain, coupled with the visual sensation of someone having bumped against your TV screen.

So with all that going on I cancelled everything I had planned yesterday, and lay around the house trying to distract myself with Puzzle Pirates and uploading Europe photos in batches (I'm not even halfway through, heh) and showering and napping.

Today I'm actually relieved to have *just* the migraine, something I never thought I'd say. (Pardon me while I pause to take this morning's pill.)  Yeah, zaps are no fun.

The few hours of sleep that I did get contained very vivid and complicated dreams. I usually have really complex dreams, but I also usually remember the ends of them. This was like one dream in many parts (probably I kept waking up).

One part involved being at some sort of convention and having heard about a designer who was going to make semi-abstract masks based on the Disney Designer Princess and Designer Villains pins. I was walking through rooms talking to Fishy, when we walked into a small theatre-type area and I gasped out loud-- we'd walked in on the tail end of that very fashion show. An assistant type of lady walked up and asked our names, and said they were looking for people who were appropriately enthusiastic (or something) about the project. She led me up on the stage, where I explained that I was a Disney pin collector and had heard about the project that way. Then she said I could choose one mask to take home with me. I chose the one based on the Queen of Hearts.

Then somehow I ended up with this gorgeously elaborate costume to go with it; lots of brocade and sheer gold over sheer red (I may try to draw what I remember some time.)  There was a large part of the dream devoted to getting it right and getting the layers right and such, because for some reason there was a doublet kind of garment of some really dull material that was covering up this pretty red and gold bodice with gold frogs and all. This also included repeatedly going into a store that was closed but that I had some kind of access to through an unlocked back door that connected with a living space.  Then later I got to chat with the mask designer, which meant going over to their boat for a while. When it was time for me to leave because they were casting off, we looked out the window and there were HUGE swells, like valleys a couple stories high between waves, so I was a scared about getting back onto the dock with all the costume layers in my arms.

In another part, I was gathering up various costumes off the floor with other people after a show, and trying to put things away in what was sort of like a huge, cluttery communal house. There was a great big wide bed that nobody had been sleeping in because they were sleeping in sleeping bags or futons on the floor, so there were costumes all over the bed, and we were trying to sort through and organize them. Then an ex of mine came in.

Now this is kind of interesting, because in real life that day, while doing dishes, I had been idly thinking, not specifically about exes, but about what it'd be like if you could video-game-ize your life... if you could go to save points and see what would have happened if you'd said that thing you wish you'd said or thought of later, or whatever. Not *actually* going back in time and changing anything, but just seeing it onscreen like a video game; having the satisfaction of having said the clever thing you thought of too late. Then I thought, it would probably be frustrating; if it turns out you made the right choice you'd be vindicated, but if it turns out things would have been better, that would just torment you.

So in this dream, this ex came in, and I was... mean. I was angry and yelly and gave them a piece of my mind and held nothing back. And, well... I don't remember my words at all, but I remember feeling like I was meaner than I would ever have been in real life. And in the dream, as soon as I was done, I knew it was the wrong choice. It didn't make anything better; it didn't make me feel better. I felt much worse. It wasn't about feeling guilty for how the ex felt, because I don't remember their reaction at all-- I'm not sure the dream even showed me that. It just felt wrong for *me*.

I woke up feeling like I had let go of something. Like maybe in the dream I had gotten some yelling out of my system that I'd been holding in. Since I don't remember anything that I said, it wasn't so much the satisfaction of saying the clever words. Maybe just the satisfaction of knowing that yelling wouldn't have been the right choice anyway? Maybe just the dream-catharsis of having yelled. :)

Last night's dreams, by contrast, included watching Jeff and Maya performing a parody using inexplicably cut-up strips of lyric sheets that got all out of order, coming up with a terrible Star Trek parody of Duran Duran's "Wild Boys" (no I'm not going to write it), and a hole in the wall with a big chunk of rolled-up blue fiberglass insulation that began moving on its own, first small wiggly movements and then large climbing-out-of-the-wall movements while I yelled increasingly frantically for Torrey to look at it.

In conclusion, brains are weird.
Originally posted at


( what 16 dormice said — feed your head )
Aug. 4th, 2013 05:31 pm (UTC)
Oh gods for a second I thought you'd actually been fired from your job and I was like "O___O but Michelle is the nicest person EVER how the hell would that happen?"

And then I re-read that sentence and was instantly relieved.

I'm sorry you had a crap day, though I'm really glad that in the end your dreams helped you somehow. And that thing about the masks reminded me of Mirrormask for some reason.
Aug. 4th, 2013 07:17 pm (UTC)
I love Mirrormask! I might have to go re-watch it now. :)
Aug. 4th, 2013 06:16 pm (UTC)
I hate missing my anti-anxiety meds! I don't get brain zaps, but I am completely worthless the next day... It's also been migraine weekend here in my head. No fun in any way. I hope you feel better soon.

The dreams sound pretty cool, if also weird. All I remember about last nigh's dream is that it involved a cute Maine coon kitten I saw on TV yesterday. Here. Have a fluffy kitten. :-)
Aug. 4th, 2013 07:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks hon.

Oh hey, in my next batch of photo uploads, there are a couple I took specifically with you in mind. :) (I'm working on captioning them now so it might be a bit.)
Aug. 4th, 2013 07:59 pm (UTC)
Ooo! I'm excited to see them! :-D
Aug. 4th, 2013 11:47 pm (UTC)
Eeee! Those are soooo cool! Thank you for thinking of me & taking the pictures!
Aug. 4th, 2013 06:55 pm (UTC)
Brains ARE weird.
Aug. 4th, 2013 07:18 pm (UTC)
So true!
Aug. 5th, 2013 04:16 am (UTC)
Fer realz. I feel ya.
Aug. 5th, 2013 04:07 am (UTC)
Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Brains are Weird.
Aug. 4th, 2013 11:41 pm (UTC)
I hope that the migraine continues easing up and that you're feeling better soon.

(I was reading LJ at 2:30 in the morning and initially read the first sentence as "Yesterday I was FIRED." I felt much better on re-reading...)
Aug. 5th, 2013 01:17 am (UTC)
Ouch! Brains aren't supposed to hurt!
Aug. 5th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
I have experienced brain zaps, and I endorse your description.
Sep. 7th, 2013 09:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
I finally got around to reading your blog. Thank you!
It made me cry - alot. Thank you!
My Amazing Hubby and I were in the front row of Shiny Happy Holidays. Thank you!
We are HUGE fans. Thank you!
We were SO BLESSED to have you take photos with us. Thank you!
We started feeding the crows in our neighborhood instead of looking at them as predators of our songbirds. Thank you!
We introduced our grandchildren to your songs. Our TEENAGE granddaughter thinks you are the GREATEST! Thank you!

There are so many more things I could say - but I think you got the gist - Thank you! for being real! for being brilliant! for being the heart of geekgirls!

Oct. 30th, 2013 05:05 am (UTC)
Re: Thank you!
You are the sweetest. Thank you so much for sharing your joy!
( what 16 dormice said — feed your head )


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the girl with a patch of sky on her arm
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